New count, still waiting

Just a quick message to let anyone checking in here that we are still waiting for the call.  We are at 78 views of our profile and the last time I talked to ANLC we were at 14 hard copies out to potential birth mothers. 

We are staying busy, in fact I should be working on graduate papers right now!  Gotta go!

The Count

Sigh. 

Toe tap.

Nervous Twitch.

No new news. 

Just still counting. 

39 people have viewed our profile since Thursday the 7th of March. 

I couldn't resist any longer and emailed our adoption liaison or marketing liaison or whatever her title is.  Hopefully she will give us some more straws to grasp.

Drumming of fingers.

Pacing the floor.

Sigh.

A watched website never....

So if a watched pot never boils, I wonder what that means for our adoption profiles!?  Since we have gone back to being on the profile website I perform a vigil every morning, noon, and night of checking how many people have looked at our profile and wondering if today we will get another phone call.

It hasn't been that long since our last opportunity, but now that it has truly become real... I am soooooo over waiting.  I can't sit still, can't focus, and now when the phone rings I hop up hoping to see the "blocked" phone number that means our agency is calling.

After three years of waiting my calm, "it will happen when it happens" shell is gone.  Now I am all impatience.  I'm the tapping toe in the line, the "are we there yet" from the back seat.

I am checking out the other adoptive couples and counting.  How many people are waiting in the midwest?  How many people hope to adopt a boy?  How many people hope to adopt a biracial child, hispanic, african american??  As if there is anything to do but wait.  I'm the begging dog under the table, convinced that if I stare long enough I'll get what I long for.

I should be reading.  I should be working on university papers, researching, writing, or tackling the mountain of other work I have to do.  But I can't.  My "mom heart" was started, it was ready, it was unleashed from it's "waiting spot" and now it can't rest.  Sigh. 18 people have looked at our profile since last Thursday.  Excuse me while I check it again..... Shucks.  Still 18.

I'm going to force myself to read one of those papers and books my professors want me to read.  Maybe.  Probably I should check that profile one more time. :)

The Rollercoaster

You know that feeling of being in line for a rollercoaster right?  Then you sit down and there is a moment where the bar goes down and seatbelt is tightened and you get this feeling like maybe you made a mistake.  Usually you have a friend or someone next to you and a nervous glace passes between the two of you.  The ride clicks up and up and up and then there is one horrible moment at the top of the first hill where your breath catches before you fly down, twisting and turning.  You're screaming or just trying to breathe.  You try to focus on the track ahead of you, but its going too fast.  And then before you know it the ride slows and everyone gives a nervous laugh.  It's over and you've survived.

Well, the last three weeks have been a real life rollercoaster for us.  There was an exhilerating moment when we got the "call" around February 18, just days after my last post.  We were shocked!  And scared!  We accepted the opportunity and the bar went down and the seat belt tightened.  The baby was due March 6, it was a boy, and we were going to be his parents.

We started clicking to the top of the ride.  We cautiously contacted some friends and family, we prepared the nursery, and it started to become real.  But then began the twists and turns, loops and tunnels.  We lost contact with the birthmom for 5 days and just when the adoption liaison was about to put us back on the website she came back.  Her phone had been broken/lost and she could only email from an 'old phone'.  She begged us to overlook the 'craziness' and extolled a million reasons why she was still ready to adopt.  The bar was already down, the seatbelt was already tightened and so we moved on.  Cautiously at first and then with more excitement and love each day the rollercoaster rolled on, time speeding up so that we barely recall the days and nights.

Until March 5th.  We lost contact again casting us into the darkest tunnel.  We worried and fretted.  Was she okay?  Was the baby okay?  Was she in the hospital?  Did we need to leave for New York?  And then the ride abruptly ended just as abruptly as it had begun.  The phone rang and it was over.  She was okay.  She was in the hospital, but she didn't need us to come. 

Other adoptive parents that I talk to say that they truly believe that we end up with the children we are meant to parent.  And I agree.  But a little part of my heart will always be tied to that little boy in New York whom I should be holding right now.

There is nothing left to do but get back in line for the rollercoaster and trust that the next one will end with tears of happiness instead of sadness.

Extraordinary hope

We had a phone call from our adoption liaison this week.  One of the very nice supports from our agency is that someone calls or emails us at least once a month to give us an update and make sure we don't have any questions. 

Our liaison let us know we have had almost 80 views of our profile in a little over a week.  I wasn't too surprised because we can actually sign in and see how many people view our web page and I figured that many of those are friends, family, and other adoptive parents from the agency checking out the "new kids" on the site.  I was very surprised and very excited when she mentioned that they have been getting "good birth mother feedback" from our site.  I was even more excited when she told me that 9 hard copies of our profile have been sent out to prospective birth mothers.  She said it so casually I had to ask her repeat herself.  I had a hard time believing we would even have 1 interested person in such a short amount of time.  I believe I spent the rest of the phone call not really hearing her, because it took that long for the reality of what she said to sink in.

9.  Nine?  NUEVE??? Somewhere in this country there are 9 copies of Nicole and Jason's profile sitting on tables, in a drawer, tucked in a purse.  Somewhere there is a woman considering making a difficult decision and she is considering US???  It is just mind blowing really. 

That doesn't mean that someone has chosen us, but it is still a beautiful piece of thrilling hope that makes my heart do tiny pirouettes against my ribs.  These ladies haven't chosen us, but they are considering adoption and they are considering us.

I don't know if people can understand this feeling, I suppose it sounds stupid... but when she said that there were 9 hardcopies of our profile in the hands of real, live women it felt like waking up out of a coma.  All the sudden it was real.  It is such a new feeling to know this could really happen any time.  We have been hunkered down, waiting for a miracle for over 3 years and now I really do feel like it could happen. 

Many people would naturally ask, so what is the timeline?  What happens next? 

I'm not being contrite when I say only God knows.  When a mother does choose us the agency will call us to "present the opportunity to us."  In that moment (after I get up off the floor) we will be presented with whatever history, medical information, and other facts the agency has and will be asked if we would like to continue.  The birthmother could be ready to give birth the next day, week, month or not even close!  She could be in Hawaii, Indiana, New York, Texas or any of the United States.  We could fly or drive.  We may have to stay there for a few days, a week, or a few weeks.  She may change her mind.  She may decide to parent.  We will be overjoyed, we could be heartbroken.  It is life, right?  And it is out of our hands.  Beautifully, horribly, wonderfully, terrifyingly out of our  hands. :) 

No movement on Colombia, a new door opening

It has been a long time since I have had need to update this blog and unfortunately for our hope of adopting from Colombia, the new wait tables from Colombia indicate that in almost a year of waiting we have made no progress.  The wait tables, for those that may not know what they are, are the tables that show where we are in line with the other "extranjeros" (people not from Colombia).  The new list came out on the 31st of January and shows that our category of 2 children from ages 0-4 has not moved from May 2008 which means that we are still 3 years from a referral, and that is if the hold is lifted. 

In our agency, for example, only 1 or 2 families have brought home children in the last year.

So that brings me to the second half of the title... a new door opening.

Jason and I made the very difficult decision to start pursuing another adoption after realizing that our hopes of adopting from Colombia may not become a reality.  We have decided to pursue a domestic adoption (an adoption from the United States) through the Adoption Network Law Center out of California. 

This would be a private adoption of a newborn infant in which we would be selected by a birthmother, meet her and have some level of openness in our ongoing relationship in the future.

We have (thanks to our sister Melissa) procured enough pictures for 2 websites that feature us as an adoptive parent couple.  We could get a referral any day!!  The waiting list is non-existent which is GREAT and BAD!!  We can't see our "progress" we are just waiting for the right, brave, courageous, and loving biological mom that chooses adoption AND us.  It is really quite humbling to think about someone choosing us to be the parents of their child and give us such an awesome gift.  It is such a self-less and loving decision.

Our websites, if you would like to see us are:
Courageous Choice:  http://courageouschoice.com/album.php?id=8752
Adoption Network Law Center:  http://adoptionnetwork.com/waitingfamilies/show.html/8752
 

They do not change, so going back to check up on them is not necessary.  Sometimes couples find the birthmother of their child through their friends and family, the doctor, or a random connection.  Please consider writing our website down and sharing it with your doctor, your pastor, or even your friends.  You never know who is the link that God has created to bring our family together.

I will start posting MUCH more now, because there is a lot that I am doing/learning as I turn from preparing for two toddlers to preparing for an infant that could come into our life any day.  We are so excited and nervous as we wait to see if this is the door that will bring us our family.  :)